Kept from Within

Some people say that at 21 its one of the toughest age but some say otherwise. Well as for me, it hasn't been a rather good year for me. Things havent actually been working out the way i wanted it to or maybe i just made too big decisions that brought me to my downfall. Maybe.

Its been a few months and baby finally managed to nail a job at an event company which i would say its really good for her and i'm happy for her. Baby's life seem to be working out for her just fine for her. She got herself a car, a job and was getting an income for herself and everything was working out well for her. For the first few months everything was alright and we managed to spend some time with each other. I even managed to go out with a few of her colleagues and baby introduced me to them. All of them are nice people. Baby even got free movie passes for us and it was actually nice and i could actually feel how baby felt when i was working at 8tv and baby used to be at home or going out with her friends and i would get her freebies as well as movies passes or even special invites to special parties as we all know that baby is a party animal and that makes her wild and crazy which i learnt to accept that and love her even more.

Then things changed once 2 people in baby's company left. Baby and 1 of her colleague had to take over and be in charge of the Hyundai account. This made baby to be more stressed out and busy. Baby used to come back home feeling rather tired and i understood her for she had bigger things to handle at her workplace. It was fine until baby went for an event in Penang. Baby was rather sweet and we were talking and texting as usual with each other. I could not wait for baby to get back to KL as i really wanted to see baby as i missed her a lot. But then baby started hanging out with a colleague of hers which she said its a friend. I had my doubts at first but then i just left it at that. Soon after when baby came back from Penang, i rushed all the way back from Seremban to see her and to shower her with love. But as i said before, things didn't actually go the way i thought they would go. That particular night was the night where i was chased away from baby's room and baby actually scolded me. I was rather disappointed as i did not know why she was behaving in that manner towards me and mind you, we havent seen each other for quite awhile as she was busy going for her events. I never thought it would come to this where i would be scolded and chased out from her room. I've said it many times but i'll say it again, i knew that baby was stressed out at work but that doesn't mean that she had to come home and let it out on me by saying that i dont have a job and i dont know how it feels like to work and etc. Maybe baby was stressed out at work and me so she had no one to talk to and she chose to talk to him. What baby didn't know is that she was becoming too close to him. What he has is really nice words and lotsa other girls. Probably he just used his words to get to baby and to make her change her mind.

We will come to the job thing later in another few paragraphs, baby began to act strange in front of me and she started ignoring me as well as go out with that colleague of hers and spending some quality time with him. It came to a point where she did not even want to have dinner with me, hence she rather have dinner with that colleague of hers. When i wanted to talk to her she just pushed me away and tell me that she was busy and had work to do. I respect that but after telling me that, she would stare at her phone and text while smiling and with that i would just go out from her room knowing that she wants me to get out of her room for some reason which i dont know and dont want to know. It hurt terribly but i dont think baby knew that i was hurt. Instead she just kept doing it over and over again towards me leaving me hanging there when all i could see was her being happy with someone else. When i confronted her with the issue she got even angrier and was really pissed at me. My intention was all i wanted to do was to talk to her but she ended up scolding me and asking me to leave. She told me that they were just friends, but i guess they were friends with benefits. All those times when she was busy at her events and being outstation, maybe she was just spending quality time with that colleague of hers and then come home pretending that she loves me.

You see, baby once told me that she had a dream whereby she would one day walk into my room and find me with another girl. Baby was devastated when she had that dream and she came to tell me about it. I told her that i would never do such a thing to her and i would expect her not to do the same towards me. That didn't happen, because baby brought home a guy, i thought that i would be the notorious one to do so, but in actual fact she was the one. I kinda suspect that they did it quite sometime ago, but i just chose to ignore it hoping that i was wrong. But it turns out that i was right. I saw things that i did not want to see i would not say where but i know what was up. During the weekends when i go back home, i never know what would happen. Mum's concert was coming up and mum really needed help from baby as she has helped us out before, when mum and Elma asked me all i could say is that it'll never happen again. She's just too busy with her things. Mum and Elma was really sad but i told them that it'll be fine.

Yes, its true that i'm a sucker of making assumptions as well as conclusions which could and some even not true. Thats the bad habit that i have in which i'm doing my best to make sure i get rid of it. But baby would not think so anymore as she's too busy with other things and her new found friends. A person whom she has had so many amazing moments with and went through even the toughest of times is now all but a stranger to her. I never knew i was gonna be treated like this especially from baby.  When i wanted to talk to her or even try talking to her, baby would just ignore me completely and would then tell her friends that i'm very annoying and that she hates me for so many reason. I'm not lying..its true. Even her so called friends these days think that i'm such an asshole and that i'm good for nothing. Well baby, u managed to convince all your new found friends that i'm a jerk and i'm good for nothing. Hope you're happy and satisfied with the outcome of it. I admit i was jealous, that was because i love her and i did not want anyone else to have her. I also admit that i was wrong and i made her angry.

Baby always asked me to trust her and i did but when i had the slightest doubt about something and when i asked about it, she would just scold me and get angry at me. When in actual fact i only had a slight doubt and just wanted to clarify a few things with her thats all. I trusted her so much but then i saw that colleague friends of hers driving her car. I knew they even went clubbing with each other and then they had a long chat about what the  both of them were and that colleague of hers kept on thinking a lot. That eventually led the both of them into bed together. I trusted her! but now baby just seems to be proving my assumptions to be right. After i saw what i saw that night, i checked myself in to a small motel as i could not bare to see what else would happen on that night as i was too heartbroken to do anything. Baby and i had an argument that night on the phone but she didn't care about me as she cared more for that colleague of hers. And she told me that they were just friends. Colleagues or friends, there is always a fine line between them and other people can see it, the difference is that others dont dare say anything but i dare. I guess its better to know and be disappointed then to not know and always wonder.

I really miss baby, i really really do but i just dont show it to anyone. What i do when i miss her is hug the cute Pooh bear pillow in my car that belongs to her, for thats the only thing i have now that belongs to the her as she is far away from me being with someone else. Sometimes i do tear when i hug it, and sometimes i just feel as if i'm hugging/cuddling baby just like when we used to. Baby always says that i dont have money and dont have a job. Well yes thats true but only till a certain extend. What baby failed to realize is that when i used to work, baby did not have a job and i always supported her regardless to whether she wanted to apply for a job or even financially. I never took her for granted because i would someday love to marry this girl. Even when i was stressed out with family or work, i would always come home and not make a fuss about anything or find fault with baby because i just cant. Its not in my nature. But when baby got a job, i was afraid things like this would happen and well it did happen. I understood her job and what she had to do but i never thought that she would do this to me simply because i did not have a job and had no money at that time. I'm not trying to get pity or whatsoever but regardless of what happened, i never treated baby like that because i knew i was better then that and i did not cheat on her. I never knew that i had a sign on my forehead that says "Cheat on me".

This is one of the biggest truth that i have kept from a lot of people as well as my friends. I've been investing in Forex which stands for "Foreign Exchange". At first of course everything is not easy when you start at first but after some time things will somehow work out. What baby didn't know was that i would go and see clients when she goes to work. I would go out and follow up on the clients investments and even meet new people who are interested in investing. I did not tell baby this as i wanted to see what she thought of me when she said that  i "didn't have a job". I did have a job, only thing is i didn't tell anyone. I just kept it to myself.

I was actually supposed to go to London this year, mum and dad actually had the sufficient funds for me to go over and study. The main reason why i did not go over to study was because of baby. This i swear. When asked by my friends or family members, i just tell them that due to financial crisis i could not go or i would just come up with a white lie just to cover up. I even told baby that my dad could not afford to send me over as he did not have the funds when he actually had the funds. I did not dare tell her the real truth as i was afraid that she would force me to go. I was rather emotional during that period of time as i knew i had made such a huge decision. That was the actual reason why i was very emotional, not because of my parents financial issue but because of the simple fact that  i really love her and i want to spend more time with her and someday marry her. Everything moved so quickly that finally it came to the time where i had to make my decision. I never actually thought that i would have to make my decision so quick, i thought i had time and i kept on delaying on buying my flight ticket. I dont know if baby notices this but when she's back in Seremban with me, either my mum or dad will always have a secret conversation with me. What we actually talk in the conversation is about my education and whether i'm ready to go abroad. All i would tell my parents is that i'm still considering and settling some stuff, that's my normal excuse all the time when in actual fact it wasn't any of those, it was just baby.

 As baby said that she always wanted to go to London for holiday and maybe have a lil mini euro trip, i was thinking of getting her a job over there and we could see  how things would work out. Even so if we both dont like it over there, we could always come back after i've completed my studies. Hopefully by that time i would have had saved enough money for the both of us. Forex was an investment which my friend and myself decided to invest in. Baby wasn't so supportive of that idea and in a way she was saying that i'm wasting my time. These past few weeks Forex has started treating me well and i managed to gain money from it but then again no one else knows about it as i dont like telling people about it. They might say that i'm bragging and etc. I just choose to lay low and keep it to myself as i'm pretty good at keeping things to myself. The reason why i'm writing it here is because i said in my title above, its the truth that is kept from within and sometimes when you keep it too long, you just want to let it all out. How can two hearts that closely rely on each other say goodbye?

I also started learning how to DJ. Why? because if and when i go to London, i would be able to earn some extra money to support baby and myself as i'm not permitted on a full time job as i'm a student over there. Once i finish studying, i was thinking of getting a job there and slowly settling myself down over there. I didn't want baby or myself to suffer while we were over there as it would be difficult for her parents as well as mine. I was actually looking at a really big picture and had used a couple of months to plan things out quietly without anyone knowing for i did not tell anyone about this, they would all call me a fool and that i was stupid and foolish.

Baby's parents really hate me for a reason which i dont know what. Even baby has been telling her friends that how much her parents hate me. Its okay, maybe they think that i'm a failure in life and that i dont have a future and also maybe i'm a pest to society. Its okay. All i can say is that i know that i will be able to solve the problem between her parents and myself when the time comes and i would definitely be able to support baby in the future. Thats for sure. Baby knows that with the both of us together we can solve anything that comes our way.

I'm not too sure if anyone who is reading this would read the whole thing, but if you have reached till here, i'm very glad that you continued reading this though i'm sorry if any of the things i wrote above made you bored. I know that i'm not the perfect boyfriend or how you want to call it, but what i do know it that i'm trying my very best to be perfect. If baby were to read this, sigh... she probably would not even bother about anything i said which in actual fact is the truth about my actions. As it is she says i stalk her when i actually don't.  She would probably be telling her friends especially that colleague of hers of what an idiot i am for writing such a thing. I would not be surprised if some of my friends would to laugh at me all over the social network. Sigh..well i'm prepared for that as i know that i said what i actually kept inside for such a long time. For i never told any of my biggest plans or craziest plans to anyone. Call me selfish, but this is how and who i am.

I was so stressed out about everything that i had no one to talk to and so i went to my dad and spoke to him. My dad was very supportive towards me and the situation. He told me that baby is a very nice person and also a good person. He said many nice things about baby that i never thought he would but he did. Its been years since i last broke down in front of my dad, but i finally broke down in front of him after he said so many nice things about baby. He said he has been observing baby for a long time and he knows that she is a really nice and kind person. Dad hardly talks about my girlfriends, but for baby, she was an exception. To me it was like a blessing from dad and i will never forget what he told me about baby. Those friends of mine who knew what happened between baby and me told me " you are and will always be the best choice she has ever made, its just that she could not see it, for no one would do and love her the way you ever did".

Baby told me many times that she loves me and she asked me never ever to leave her, i said i will never do that..never. But if baby actually loved me she should not have done what she did to me in the first place. I notice this, when happiness comes, there will always be something black that will come and destroy it against whatever course. I feel very miserable and i'm really hoping that we will be able to solve our problems and put it behind us.

I love baby unconditionally, but that doesn't mean it has to be taken to an advantage. I admit that i was wrong and i should not have done what i had done but i did it out of frustration as well as sadness. That doesn't mean that i have to be judged till that extend. We have all done or even said things out of frustration and stress but its how we all deal with it and solve the problem at the end of the day. Thats all that matters. We all do have a heart as well, and as far as i know, the heart is one really fragile and gentle part that is in us and not to be messed around with. We do have feelings as well. Maybe i did over react when i saw what i did not want to see and maybe i also did over react by assuming things that were not true, but that doesn't mean i'm not allowed to, as i felt threaten and just wanted some reassuring to make things clear. I never knew even that was wrong. Even so, i blame myself for everything that has happened. It was because of my insecurity that caused baby to be so angry at me and leave me for another person.

Baby's cousin came over a few months ago and stayed with us. After a few days when we sent him back to his uni, he gave me a hug and said "please take good care of my cousin for me, i trust you" and then he left. I will never forget what he said for i told him that i definitely will. Its funny how people can just push you aside and pretend that you're just some random guy who lives downstairs with no life and is a loser. Its not about how much you love that person or tell that person how much you love them, but its what you would do for that person that defines your love for her. I can never hug her again, neither can i kiss her or cuddle with her in bed anymore. I wont be able to have those late night chit chat with her anymore while lying down, i wont even be able to tickle her and play with her anymore and also i wont get to see her cute little jealous face when i talk about other girls or even celebrities ( only she knows what i mean by that). Its so good to love and miss someone so much it hurts. Sigh

I'm willing to forgive whatever she has done, I had so much planned for us. I really expected more from baby then she cheating on me. I put my whole life on hold just for her and thought it was worth it but now i guess it wasn't and i'm stuck here.  Not even a word was heard from her though i texted her, called her and personal message her on FB. It just shows how much she cares for me. She just treats me like a total stranger. Maybe she's still angry, well maybe she plans to be angry with me forever. No one would do such a thing whereby he puts his whole life on whole for a person, but i did the unthinkable, i did put my life on hold for this particular person for i knew that it was going to be worth it. Unfortunately i was wrong.

A picture that we took when we were messing around the house. Good times.

A video taken by me when Baby was having one of her favorite food..CRAB! The look on baby's face towards the end of the video is just overwhelming.

A picture taken when she still loved me.

Looks like all i can do now is to just see baby being happy with another person instead of myself for that is all i can do now since she will never know what i actually did behind her back for the benefit of the both of us. I guess when baby told me that she loves me, she never meant it in the first place.

I'm sorry for wasting your time with my feelings for the past 3 years. I guess it was all just for nothing.


Someone Once Important,
Soon King

Story left untold to anyone instead kept inside

I'm back again.. after such a long time.. kinda miss blogging so i'd thought i'd blog my sorrows out with the little help of alcohol this time.  Valentines Day this year wasn't that great as baby and i had a little misunderstanding... i think we always argue with each other when we're apart cuz maybe just maybe we miss each other... thats just a BIG MAYBE.. well i know for sure i miss her.. but i doubt she does.. she's always been busy playing with her phone and texting people these days.. Its not that i'm pissed or anything, but sometimes it sorta gets to you..u know.. she busy texting god know who and having secret phone calls now and then.. and she's all so secretive about everything. She probably has another guy as she's always texting and smiling.. i don't know i'm just saying.. i'm a sucker at making conclusions but i know is that i don't keep secrets or be secretive about anything towards her but in return she does it to me.. haiz..  she doesn't even text me like how she does with those people she's texting.. her replies are always so cold and short..but with others she's happily smiling and constantly on the phone. I saw some stuff on FB that day that actually broke my heart.. i wont go into details but its something to do with her ex. I wasn't stalking as baby always says i am, it just appeared on my profile cuz you'll know what your friends did, it'll be written on a sentence like so and so commented on so and so wall, something like that and i saw shit that really hurt me but i kept quiet as always. Its fine if baby is just talking to friends but why all so secret and so low key? i know i don't do that to her.. i tell her everything.. i don't even get called nice names anymore in her texts..probably someone else has taken the place.. just one of my stupid conclusions again.. but hey.. u never know..

Trust.. yes trust is important, but what's the point of trust when there're some things that are seen with the eyes but secretive? hiding here and there to text or to talk on the phone...i know i've not done any bad things or even cheated on baby.. i'm just not like that.. this year is gonna be a slightly bigger birthday then usual as its my 21st. But unfortunately baby would most likely not be here to celebrate it with me.. what a birthday its gonna be.. i understand the situation.. we all only turn 21 once..at least i'd thought she'd be here to celebrate it with me..but then again i understand the situation.. she talks to her friends on fb about how bad a person i am..i always know what is happening, its just that i choose to keep quiet. Friend..right..

I had to make important decisions before Valentines this year as i was low in cash and wanted to buy baby a nice gift for once though she didn't buy me one.. baby seldom buys stuff for me but i understand..its not like i want anything but sometimes just a small thing would actually make me feel appreciated.. its the little things that count for me, not the huge things. I sold off my gadgets, games etc.. so i could raise money to buy baby some stuff.. but then a friend of mine wanted me to pay him the little debt that i owe him.. and so i had to use most of my money to pay him back and then i used whatever was left to buy baby her gift and was left with nothing. I mean baby didn't actually ask for it, but i knew she wanted it and so i bought it for her. Sacrifices are good though they may break your heart, it depends on how much you really love the person thats all. Baby is really happy with the ipod i bought her and we share the same ipod which i think its something unique and nice..for me that is.. But for baby, i don't know maybe she doesn't love me anymore i just don't know.. all those secret calls and texts..haiz.. call me sensitive but any normal guy would actually feel it. I've said it before and i'll say it again, I'm only human, i do have feelings as well as eyes and of course a heart to feel.  

Sometimes baby chooses her friends instead of me. Which is good at times but it all depends on the situation. As for me, she comes first in anything i do..but for her i'd probably come last. She doesn't even wanna kiss me anymore or even sleep with me.. hmmm.. bummer i know.. baby's cute smile, stunning body and unique character are the factors that make me love her even more. I miss her i really do deep down its just that i don't get to tell her that or maybe i don't wanna tell her that. I am very thankful that this year i had baby back i truly am thankful and maybe cuz of me being scared and paranoid about losing her i'm a little overly protective.. that is clearly my fault but you can't blame me after all i've gone through. She does compare me to other people or even her friends bf, but i can say that i care and love baby the most. I dare say that, why? cuz i always keep baby protected and shower her with laughter and lots of love for if i did not care for her i would just dump her at places and let her be while i go around and do stupid things. Yes, at times its ok but everything has a limit. Those who understand me well would understand. Baby and i have done many many stupid things together but it was pure fun and craziness.. its just so nice..  what i really want to say is that i don't wanna lose her again..i really don't cuz we've been there for each other many many times and we came this far..hopefully its not for nothing.

I've been alone all my life and can truly say that i've felt how loneliness feels. Only people who are the only child in the family would actually understand that feeling. That feeling is unexplainable. For that i don't like feeling lonely and hope that i never will.. but i think i'm wrong cuz i often feel rather lonely or an outcast. I know for sure when the gang comes by, baby is always "The Godfather"..i swear on my grandmother's grave that she's always the centre on attention. Which is a good thing, cuz we always give her attention.

I'm not writing all these to gain sympathy or affection from anyone cuz they probably wouldn't give two fucks about it. I'm writing this to release what's inside and put it into words thats all. Feel slightly better now. There're lots more things i can say but time is not on my side, i've gotta hit the sack soon. At least i've said what i wanted to say..my conscience are kinda clear now..for now of course.. Gonna lie on the bed and emo till i sleep..Till next time..

"A man can only take so much before he breaks down, it's not cuz that he's weak, but its cuz he's been strong for too long"

King Signing Off..