Story left untold to anyone instead kept inside

I'm back again.. after such a long time.. kinda miss blogging so i'd thought i'd blog my sorrows out with the little help of alcohol this time.  Valentines Day this year wasn't that great as baby and i had a little misunderstanding... i think we always argue with each other when we're apart cuz maybe just maybe we miss each other... thats just a BIG MAYBE.. well i know for sure i miss her.. but i doubt she does.. she's always been busy playing with her phone and texting people these days.. Its not that i'm pissed or anything, but sometimes it sorta gets to you..u know.. she busy texting god know who and having secret phone calls now and then.. and she's all so secretive about everything. She probably has another guy as she's always texting and smiling.. i don't know i'm just saying.. i'm a sucker at making conclusions but i know is that i don't keep secrets or be secretive about anything towards her but in return she does it to me.. haiz..  she doesn't even text me like how she does with those people she's texting.. her replies are always so cold and short..but with others she's happily smiling and constantly on the phone. I saw some stuff on FB that day that actually broke my heart.. i wont go into details but its something to do with her ex. I wasn't stalking as baby always says i am, it just appeared on my profile cuz you'll know what your friends did, it'll be written on a sentence like so and so commented on so and so wall, something like that and i saw shit that really hurt me but i kept quiet as always. Its fine if baby is just talking to friends but why all so secret and so low key? i know i don't do that to her.. i tell her everything.. i don't even get called nice names anymore in her texts..probably someone else has taken the place.. just one of my stupid conclusions again.. but hey.. u never know..

Trust.. yes trust is important, but what's the point of trust when there're some things that are seen with the eyes but secretive? hiding here and there to text or to talk on the phone...i know i've not done any bad things or even cheated on baby.. i'm just not like that.. this year is gonna be a slightly bigger birthday then usual as its my 21st. But unfortunately baby would most likely not be here to celebrate it with me.. what a birthday its gonna be.. i understand the situation.. we all only turn 21 once..at least i'd thought she'd be here to celebrate it with me..but then again i understand the situation.. she talks to her friends on fb about how bad a person i am..i always know what is happening, its just that i choose to keep quiet. Friend..right..

I had to make important decisions before Valentines this year as i was low in cash and wanted to buy baby a nice gift for once though she didn't buy me one.. baby seldom buys stuff for me but i understand..its not like i want anything but sometimes just a small thing would actually make me feel appreciated.. its the little things that count for me, not the huge things. I sold off my gadgets, games etc.. so i could raise money to buy baby some stuff.. but then a friend of mine wanted me to pay him the little debt that i owe him.. and so i had to use most of my money to pay him back and then i used whatever was left to buy baby her gift and was left with nothing. I mean baby didn't actually ask for it, but i knew she wanted it and so i bought it for her. Sacrifices are good though they may break your heart, it depends on how much you really love the person thats all. Baby is really happy with the ipod i bought her and we share the same ipod which i think its something unique and nice..for me that is.. But for baby, i don't know maybe she doesn't love me anymore i just don't know.. all those secret calls and texts..haiz.. call me sensitive but any normal guy would actually feel it. I've said it before and i'll say it again, I'm only human, i do have feelings as well as eyes and of course a heart to feel.  

Sometimes baby chooses her friends instead of me. Which is good at times but it all depends on the situation. As for me, she comes first in anything i do..but for her i'd probably come last. She doesn't even wanna kiss me anymore or even sleep with me.. hmmm.. bummer i know.. baby's cute smile, stunning body and unique character are the factors that make me love her even more. I miss her i really do deep down its just that i don't get to tell her that or maybe i don't wanna tell her that. I am very thankful that this year i had baby back i truly am thankful and maybe cuz of me being scared and paranoid about losing her i'm a little overly protective.. that is clearly my fault but you can't blame me after all i've gone through. She does compare me to other people or even her friends bf, but i can say that i care and love baby the most. I dare say that, why? cuz i always keep baby protected and shower her with laughter and lots of love for if i did not care for her i would just dump her at places and let her be while i go around and do stupid things. Yes, at times its ok but everything has a limit. Those who understand me well would understand. Baby and i have done many many stupid things together but it was pure fun and craziness.. its just so nice..  what i really want to say is that i don't wanna lose her again..i really don't cuz we've been there for each other many many times and we came this far..hopefully its not for nothing.

I've been alone all my life and can truly say that i've felt how loneliness feels. Only people who are the only child in the family would actually understand that feeling. That feeling is unexplainable. For that i don't like feeling lonely and hope that i never will.. but i think i'm wrong cuz i often feel rather lonely or an outcast. I know for sure when the gang comes by, baby is always "The Godfather"..i swear on my grandmother's grave that she's always the centre on attention. Which is a good thing, cuz we always give her attention.

I'm not writing all these to gain sympathy or affection from anyone cuz they probably wouldn't give two fucks about it. I'm writing this to release what's inside and put it into words thats all. Feel slightly better now. There're lots more things i can say but time is not on my side, i've gotta hit the sack soon. At least i've said what i wanted to say..my conscience are kinda clear now..for now of course.. Gonna lie on the bed and emo till i sleep..Till next time..

"A man can only take so much before he breaks down, it's not cuz that he's weak, but its cuz he's been strong for too long"

King Signing Off..