Kept from Within

Some people say that at 21 its one of the toughest age but some say otherwise. Well as for me, it hasn't been a rather good year for me. Things havent actually been working out the way i wanted it to or maybe i just made too big decisions that brought me to my downfall. Maybe.

Its been a few months and baby finally managed to nail a job at an event company which i would say its really good for her and i'm happy for her. Baby's life seem to be working out for her just fine for her. She got herself a car, a job and was getting an income for herself and everything was working out well for her. For the first few months everything was alright and we managed to spend some time with each other. I even managed to go out with a few of her colleagues and baby introduced me to them. All of them are nice people. Baby even got free movie passes for us and it was actually nice and i could actually feel how baby felt when i was working at 8tv and baby used to be at home or going out with her friends and i would get her freebies as well as movies passes or even special invites to special parties as we all know that baby is a party animal and that makes her wild and crazy which i learnt to accept that and love her even more.

Then things changed once 2 people in baby's company left. Baby and 1 of her colleague had to take over and be in charge of the Hyundai account. This made baby to be more stressed out and busy. Baby used to come back home feeling rather tired and i understood her for she had bigger things to handle at her workplace. It was fine until baby went for an event in Penang. Baby was rather sweet and we were talking and texting as usual with each other. I could not wait for baby to get back to KL as i really wanted to see baby as i missed her a lot. But then baby started hanging out with a colleague of hers which she said its a friend. I had my doubts at first but then i just left it at that. Soon after when baby came back from Penang, i rushed all the way back from Seremban to see her and to shower her with love. But as i said before, things didn't actually go the way i thought they would go. That particular night was the night where i was chased away from baby's room and baby actually scolded me. I was rather disappointed as i did not know why she was behaving in that manner towards me and mind you, we havent seen each other for quite awhile as she was busy going for her events. I never thought it would come to this where i would be scolded and chased out from her room. I've said it many times but i'll say it again, i knew that baby was stressed out at work but that doesn't mean that she had to come home and let it out on me by saying that i dont have a job and i dont know how it feels like to work and etc. Maybe baby was stressed out at work and me so she had no one to talk to and she chose to talk to him. What baby didn't know is that she was becoming too close to him. What he has is really nice words and lotsa other girls. Probably he just used his words to get to baby and to make her change her mind.

We will come to the job thing later in another few paragraphs, baby began to act strange in front of me and she started ignoring me as well as go out with that colleague of hers and spending some quality time with him. It came to a point where she did not even want to have dinner with me, hence she rather have dinner with that colleague of hers. When i wanted to talk to her she just pushed me away and tell me that she was busy and had work to do. I respect that but after telling me that, she would stare at her phone and text while smiling and with that i would just go out from her room knowing that she wants me to get out of her room for some reason which i dont know and dont want to know. It hurt terribly but i dont think baby knew that i was hurt. Instead she just kept doing it over and over again towards me leaving me hanging there when all i could see was her being happy with someone else. When i confronted her with the issue she got even angrier and was really pissed at me. My intention was all i wanted to do was to talk to her but she ended up scolding me and asking me to leave. She told me that they were just friends, but i guess they were friends with benefits. All those times when she was busy at her events and being outstation, maybe she was just spending quality time with that colleague of hers and then come home pretending that she loves me.

You see, baby once told me that she had a dream whereby she would one day walk into my room and find me with another girl. Baby was devastated when she had that dream and she came to tell me about it. I told her that i would never do such a thing to her and i would expect her not to do the same towards me. That didn't happen, because baby brought home a guy, i thought that i would be the notorious one to do so, but in actual fact she was the one. I kinda suspect that they did it quite sometime ago, but i just chose to ignore it hoping that i was wrong. But it turns out that i was right. I saw things that i did not want to see i would not say where but i know what was up. During the weekends when i go back home, i never know what would happen. Mum's concert was coming up and mum really needed help from baby as she has helped us out before, when mum and Elma asked me all i could say is that it'll never happen again. She's just too busy with her things. Mum and Elma was really sad but i told them that it'll be fine.

Yes, its true that i'm a sucker of making assumptions as well as conclusions which could and some even not true. Thats the bad habit that i have in which i'm doing my best to make sure i get rid of it. But baby would not think so anymore as she's too busy with other things and her new found friends. A person whom she has had so many amazing moments with and went through even the toughest of times is now all but a stranger to her. I never knew i was gonna be treated like this especially from baby.  When i wanted to talk to her or even try talking to her, baby would just ignore me completely and would then tell her friends that i'm very annoying and that she hates me for so many reason. I'm not lying..its true. Even her so called friends these days think that i'm such an asshole and that i'm good for nothing. Well baby, u managed to convince all your new found friends that i'm a jerk and i'm good for nothing. Hope you're happy and satisfied with the outcome of it. I admit i was jealous, that was because i love her and i did not want anyone else to have her. I also admit that i was wrong and i made her angry.

Baby always asked me to trust her and i did but when i had the slightest doubt about something and when i asked about it, she would just scold me and get angry at me. When in actual fact i only had a slight doubt and just wanted to clarify a few things with her thats all. I trusted her so much but then i saw that colleague friends of hers driving her car. I knew they even went clubbing with each other and then they had a long chat about what the  both of them were and that colleague of hers kept on thinking a lot. That eventually led the both of them into bed together. I trusted her! but now baby just seems to be proving my assumptions to be right. After i saw what i saw that night, i checked myself in to a small motel as i could not bare to see what else would happen on that night as i was too heartbroken to do anything. Baby and i had an argument that night on the phone but she didn't care about me as she cared more for that colleague of hers. And she told me that they were just friends. Colleagues or friends, there is always a fine line between them and other people can see it, the difference is that others dont dare say anything but i dare. I guess its better to know and be disappointed then to not know and always wonder.

I really miss baby, i really really do but i just dont show it to anyone. What i do when i miss her is hug the cute Pooh bear pillow in my car that belongs to her, for thats the only thing i have now that belongs to the her as she is far away from me being with someone else. Sometimes i do tear when i hug it, and sometimes i just feel as if i'm hugging/cuddling baby just like when we used to. Baby always says that i dont have money and dont have a job. Well yes thats true but only till a certain extend. What baby failed to realize is that when i used to work, baby did not have a job and i always supported her regardless to whether she wanted to apply for a job or even financially. I never took her for granted because i would someday love to marry this girl. Even when i was stressed out with family or work, i would always come home and not make a fuss about anything or find fault with baby because i just cant. Its not in my nature. But when baby got a job, i was afraid things like this would happen and well it did happen. I understood her job and what she had to do but i never thought that she would do this to me simply because i did not have a job and had no money at that time. I'm not trying to get pity or whatsoever but regardless of what happened, i never treated baby like that because i knew i was better then that and i did not cheat on her. I never knew that i had a sign on my forehead that says "Cheat on me".

This is one of the biggest truth that i have kept from a lot of people as well as my friends. I've been investing in Forex which stands for "Foreign Exchange". At first of course everything is not easy when you start at first but after some time things will somehow work out. What baby didn't know was that i would go and see clients when she goes to work. I would go out and follow up on the clients investments and even meet new people who are interested in investing. I did not tell baby this as i wanted to see what she thought of me when she said that  i "didn't have a job". I did have a job, only thing is i didn't tell anyone. I just kept it to myself.

I was actually supposed to go to London this year, mum and dad actually had the sufficient funds for me to go over and study. The main reason why i did not go over to study was because of baby. This i swear. When asked by my friends or family members, i just tell them that due to financial crisis i could not go or i would just come up with a white lie just to cover up. I even told baby that my dad could not afford to send me over as he did not have the funds when he actually had the funds. I did not dare tell her the real truth as i was afraid that she would force me to go. I was rather emotional during that period of time as i knew i had made such a huge decision. That was the actual reason why i was very emotional, not because of my parents financial issue but because of the simple fact that  i really love her and i want to spend more time with her and someday marry her. Everything moved so quickly that finally it came to the time where i had to make my decision. I never actually thought that i would have to make my decision so quick, i thought i had time and i kept on delaying on buying my flight ticket. I dont know if baby notices this but when she's back in Seremban with me, either my mum or dad will always have a secret conversation with me. What we actually talk in the conversation is about my education and whether i'm ready to go abroad. All i would tell my parents is that i'm still considering and settling some stuff, that's my normal excuse all the time when in actual fact it wasn't any of those, it was just baby.

 As baby said that she always wanted to go to London for holiday and maybe have a lil mini euro trip, i was thinking of getting her a job over there and we could see  how things would work out. Even so if we both dont like it over there, we could always come back after i've completed my studies. Hopefully by that time i would have had saved enough money for the both of us. Forex was an investment which my friend and myself decided to invest in. Baby wasn't so supportive of that idea and in a way she was saying that i'm wasting my time. These past few weeks Forex has started treating me well and i managed to gain money from it but then again no one else knows about it as i dont like telling people about it. They might say that i'm bragging and etc. I just choose to lay low and keep it to myself as i'm pretty good at keeping things to myself. The reason why i'm writing it here is because i said in my title above, its the truth that is kept from within and sometimes when you keep it too long, you just want to let it all out. How can two hearts that closely rely on each other say goodbye?

I also started learning how to DJ. Why? because if and when i go to London, i would be able to earn some extra money to support baby and myself as i'm not permitted on a full time job as i'm a student over there. Once i finish studying, i was thinking of getting a job there and slowly settling myself down over there. I didn't want baby or myself to suffer while we were over there as it would be difficult for her parents as well as mine. I was actually looking at a really big picture and had used a couple of months to plan things out quietly without anyone knowing for i did not tell anyone about this, they would all call me a fool and that i was stupid and foolish.

Baby's parents really hate me for a reason which i dont know what. Even baby has been telling her friends that how much her parents hate me. Its okay, maybe they think that i'm a failure in life and that i dont have a future and also maybe i'm a pest to society. Its okay. All i can say is that i know that i will be able to solve the problem between her parents and myself when the time comes and i would definitely be able to support baby in the future. Thats for sure. Baby knows that with the both of us together we can solve anything that comes our way.

I'm not too sure if anyone who is reading this would read the whole thing, but if you have reached till here, i'm very glad that you continued reading this though i'm sorry if any of the things i wrote above made you bored. I know that i'm not the perfect boyfriend or how you want to call it, but what i do know it that i'm trying my very best to be perfect. If baby were to read this, sigh... she probably would not even bother about anything i said which in actual fact is the truth about my actions. As it is she says i stalk her when i actually don't.  She would probably be telling her friends especially that colleague of hers of what an idiot i am for writing such a thing. I would not be surprised if some of my friends would to laugh at me all over the social network. Sigh..well i'm prepared for that as i know that i said what i actually kept inside for such a long time. For i never told any of my biggest plans or craziest plans to anyone. Call me selfish, but this is how and who i am.

I was so stressed out about everything that i had no one to talk to and so i went to my dad and spoke to him. My dad was very supportive towards me and the situation. He told me that baby is a very nice person and also a good person. He said many nice things about baby that i never thought he would but he did. Its been years since i last broke down in front of my dad, but i finally broke down in front of him after he said so many nice things about baby. He said he has been observing baby for a long time and he knows that she is a really nice and kind person. Dad hardly talks about my girlfriends, but for baby, she was an exception. To me it was like a blessing from dad and i will never forget what he told me about baby. Those friends of mine who knew what happened between baby and me told me " you are and will always be the best choice she has ever made, its just that she could not see it, for no one would do and love her the way you ever did".

Baby told me many times that she loves me and she asked me never ever to leave her, i said i will never do that..never. But if baby actually loved me she should not have done what she did to me in the first place. I notice this, when happiness comes, there will always be something black that will come and destroy it against whatever course. I feel very miserable and i'm really hoping that we will be able to solve our problems and put it behind us.

I love baby unconditionally, but that doesn't mean it has to be taken to an advantage. I admit that i was wrong and i should not have done what i had done but i did it out of frustration as well as sadness. That doesn't mean that i have to be judged till that extend. We have all done or even said things out of frustration and stress but its how we all deal with it and solve the problem at the end of the day. Thats all that matters. We all do have a heart as well, and as far as i know, the heart is one really fragile and gentle part that is in us and not to be messed around with. We do have feelings as well. Maybe i did over react when i saw what i did not want to see and maybe i also did over react by assuming things that were not true, but that doesn't mean i'm not allowed to, as i felt threaten and just wanted some reassuring to make things clear. I never knew even that was wrong. Even so, i blame myself for everything that has happened. It was because of my insecurity that caused baby to be so angry at me and leave me for another person.

Baby's cousin came over a few months ago and stayed with us. After a few days when we sent him back to his uni, he gave me a hug and said "please take good care of my cousin for me, i trust you" and then he left. I will never forget what he said for i told him that i definitely will. Its funny how people can just push you aside and pretend that you're just some random guy who lives downstairs with no life and is a loser. Its not about how much you love that person or tell that person how much you love them, but its what you would do for that person that defines your love for her. I can never hug her again, neither can i kiss her or cuddle with her in bed anymore. I wont be able to have those late night chit chat with her anymore while lying down, i wont even be able to tickle her and play with her anymore and also i wont get to see her cute little jealous face when i talk about other girls or even celebrities ( only she knows what i mean by that). Its so good to love and miss someone so much it hurts. Sigh

I'm willing to forgive whatever she has done, I had so much planned for us. I really expected more from baby then she cheating on me. I put my whole life on hold just for her and thought it was worth it but now i guess it wasn't and i'm stuck here.  Not even a word was heard from her though i texted her, called her and personal message her on FB. It just shows how much she cares for me. She just treats me like a total stranger. Maybe she's still angry, well maybe she plans to be angry with me forever. No one would do such a thing whereby he puts his whole life on whole for a person, but i did the unthinkable, i did put my life on hold for this particular person for i knew that it was going to be worth it. Unfortunately i was wrong.

A picture that we took when we were messing around the house. Good times.

A video taken by me when Baby was having one of her favorite food..CRAB! The look on baby's face towards the end of the video is just overwhelming.

A picture taken when she still loved me.

Looks like all i can do now is to just see baby being happy with another person instead of myself for that is all i can do now since she will never know what i actually did behind her back for the benefit of the both of us. I guess when baby told me that she loves me, she never meant it in the first place.

I'm sorry for wasting your time with my feelings for the past 3 years. I guess it was all just for nothing.


Someone Once Important,
Soon King

Story left untold to anyone instead kept inside

I'm back again.. after such a long time.. kinda miss blogging so i'd thought i'd blog my sorrows out with the little help of alcohol this time.  Valentines Day this year wasn't that great as baby and i had a little misunderstanding... i think we always argue with each other when we're apart cuz maybe just maybe we miss each other... thats just a BIG MAYBE.. well i know for sure i miss her.. but i doubt she does.. she's always been busy playing with her phone and texting people these days.. Its not that i'm pissed or anything, but sometimes it sorta gets to you..u know.. she busy texting god know who and having secret phone calls now and then.. and she's all so secretive about everything. She probably has another guy as she's always texting and smiling.. i don't know i'm just saying.. i'm a sucker at making conclusions but i know is that i don't keep secrets or be secretive about anything towards her but in return she does it to me.. haiz..  she doesn't even text me like how she does with those people she's texting.. her replies are always so cold and short..but with others she's happily smiling and constantly on the phone. I saw some stuff on FB that day that actually broke my heart.. i wont go into details but its something to do with her ex. I wasn't stalking as baby always says i am, it just appeared on my profile cuz you'll know what your friends did, it'll be written on a sentence like so and so commented on so and so wall, something like that and i saw shit that really hurt me but i kept quiet as always. Its fine if baby is just talking to friends but why all so secret and so low key? i know i don't do that to her.. i tell her everything.. i don't even get called nice names anymore in her texts..probably someone else has taken the place.. just one of my stupid conclusions again.. but hey.. u never know..

Trust.. yes trust is important, but what's the point of trust when there're some things that are seen with the eyes but secretive? hiding here and there to text or to talk on the phone...i know i've not done any bad things or even cheated on baby.. i'm just not like that.. this year is gonna be a slightly bigger birthday then usual as its my 21st. But unfortunately baby would most likely not be here to celebrate it with me.. what a birthday its gonna be.. i understand the situation.. we all only turn 21 once..at least i'd thought she'd be here to celebrate it with me..but then again i understand the situation.. she talks to her friends on fb about how bad a person i am..i always know what is happening, its just that i choose to keep quiet. Friend..right..

I had to make important decisions before Valentines this year as i was low in cash and wanted to buy baby a nice gift for once though she didn't buy me one.. baby seldom buys stuff for me but i understand..its not like i want anything but sometimes just a small thing would actually make me feel appreciated.. its the little things that count for me, not the huge things. I sold off my gadgets, games etc.. so i could raise money to buy baby some stuff.. but then a friend of mine wanted me to pay him the little debt that i owe him.. and so i had to use most of my money to pay him back and then i used whatever was left to buy baby her gift and was left with nothing. I mean baby didn't actually ask for it, but i knew she wanted it and so i bought it for her. Sacrifices are good though they may break your heart, it depends on how much you really love the person thats all. Baby is really happy with the ipod i bought her and we share the same ipod which i think its something unique and nice..for me that is.. But for baby, i don't know maybe she doesn't love me anymore i just don't know.. all those secret calls and texts..haiz.. call me sensitive but any normal guy would actually feel it. I've said it before and i'll say it again, I'm only human, i do have feelings as well as eyes and of course a heart to feel.  

Sometimes baby chooses her friends instead of me. Which is good at times but it all depends on the situation. As for me, she comes first in anything i do..but for her i'd probably come last. She doesn't even wanna kiss me anymore or even sleep with me.. hmmm.. bummer i know.. baby's cute smile, stunning body and unique character are the factors that make me love her even more. I miss her i really do deep down its just that i don't get to tell her that or maybe i don't wanna tell her that. I am very thankful that this year i had baby back i truly am thankful and maybe cuz of me being scared and paranoid about losing her i'm a little overly protective.. that is clearly my fault but you can't blame me after all i've gone through. She does compare me to other people or even her friends bf, but i can say that i care and love baby the most. I dare say that, why? cuz i always keep baby protected and shower her with laughter and lots of love for if i did not care for her i would just dump her at places and let her be while i go around and do stupid things. Yes, at times its ok but everything has a limit. Those who understand me well would understand. Baby and i have done many many stupid things together but it was pure fun and craziness.. its just so nice..  what i really want to say is that i don't wanna lose her again..i really don't cuz we've been there for each other many many times and we came this far..hopefully its not for nothing.

I've been alone all my life and can truly say that i've felt how loneliness feels. Only people who are the only child in the family would actually understand that feeling. That feeling is unexplainable. For that i don't like feeling lonely and hope that i never will.. but i think i'm wrong cuz i often feel rather lonely or an outcast. I know for sure when the gang comes by, baby is always "The Godfather"..i swear on my grandmother's grave that she's always the centre on attention. Which is a good thing, cuz we always give her attention.

I'm not writing all these to gain sympathy or affection from anyone cuz they probably wouldn't give two fucks about it. I'm writing this to release what's inside and put it into words thats all. Feel slightly better now. There're lots more things i can say but time is not on my side, i've gotta hit the sack soon. At least i've said what i wanted to say..my conscience are kinda clear now..for now of course.. Gonna lie on the bed and emo till i sleep..Till next time..

"A man can only take so much before he breaks down, it's not cuz that he's weak, but its cuz he's been strong for too long"

King Signing Off..

The Surprise that went wrong... =(

People said that love makes a person go crazy and mad...well...yea it is true...then again nothing went right..haiz...(as usual).. i was so crazy till i actually drove all the way from seremban to kedah just to see baby...cuz she was sick and i told her before that i'll take care of her when she's sick and i;ll always be there for her...so i stuck to my word. Yes it was crazy,i was very low in cash till i only have cash for a 1 way trip and had enough money only for a night stay in a cheap motel...so yea.. but then again, i promised baby that i'll always go the extra mile for her regardless of what might happen and regardless of what the circumstances are..so i did it.. not many people would do that, but i did it.. baby always knew that i would not come up to visit her or surprise her, but then again that was last time, now i'm a changed person...new and improved...but baby just cant see that...so i proved her theory wrong when i showed up to surprise her... it was a 6 hours drive ALONE... i woke up at 6something, had breakfast with mum then off to pj to unload my stuff then off to kedah... well everything when well on the way up but..... i was wrong..
I didn't eat since last night and didn't sleep well.. so my vision was blur and i had gastric.. but yea, i still just tahan everything and drove up all the way.. crazy and sad i know..haiz..what to do..
  well now i regret coming up, i should not have came up..hmm...this is cuz i wasn't welcomed by baby's parents anymore..i was outsider, a stranger, no difference compared to a beggar who came from somewhere are hoping for shelter but was reluctantly given shelter. Anyway, as the saying goes, beggars have no choice, so i just didn't say anything. I felt so lost..baby's parents were just angry and pissed..but the dad kept it in, but the mum didn't..i saw and knew all these thats why i just kept quiet and kept everything to myself..baby kept on asking me to talk to her dad, but i didn't feel like it as well cuz i know i was no one to talk to him..just a stranger, just a beggar...everyone started treating me mean and bad...i guess that's how i'm gonna be treated from now onwards..just so sad i'm just so lost of words right now..hmm.. people all say that sacrifice is worth it, but sometimes when u sacrifice too much...you'll just be left with full of disappointment and sadness. But its just worth it when the girl that you love means the world to you and you would do just about anything for her as she's just a part of you and without her, you just feel that you're missing something and you just dont know what..
   When i came to kedah, i was rounding around and checking out how it looks now...its so different..some new improvements here and there..rounding around just made me forget all my problems for awhile as i was busy finding my way and i had this thought in me that i would not be welcomed, true enough i was right..memories were haunting me everywhere i went..hmm.. i surprised baby at the park.. she thought that my dad would come and pass her something, but i showed up..baby's face was so cute and adorable..she was just so speechless and didn't know what to say..the look on baby's face was just so sweet and nice...i would do anything just to see that look on her face again.. when i saw her face i just wanted to hug and kiss her so badly but unfortunately i just could not.. haiz.. so sad and full of sadness...
after the surprise was over, i had to follow baby home to see her parents but it wasn't like how i expected it to be..haiz.. after i was not welcomed at her house, baby brought me out to get something to eat as i did not eat at all..i just drove all the way with a terrible gastric.. i bought chinese herbs for baby cuz i knew she was sick and she would not do anything about it, so i went the extra step and mile to do it for her..
    I just had so much courage and it took me so much courage to get myself on my butt and drive all the way to kedah to see her. The main reason why i came up to kedah is not cuz for fun, but cuz i wanted to see baby as well as take care of her. It was doing a good deed but unfortunately baby's parents didn't see it that way.. haiz.. i may not be your daughter's perfect bf, but i sure know how to keep her safe, company and always be there for her.. i'll be her shoulder she can cry on, the bed that she sleeps on, i'll also be her sirap ice when she drinks it cuz it is as sweet as she is, and finally i'll be heart that will keep her alive till i'm gone. Nowadays, i write stuff on FB or whatsoever in Latin as no one will bother translating it..well, thats how i express myself these days without baby in my life anymore...its just so difficult.. i think baby doesn't even feel a thing..she probably doesn't even know what is pain or hurt, anyways thanx for putting me through this..hope you're enjoying what you see..you've won..
    Today was one of those really bad days for me..i watched baby cry infront of me, and i could not do anything but to just look at her...i just wanted to hug her and kiss her and tell her that everything would be alright cuz we can always find a way to solve the problem. We always have and we always did. The both of us i mean..we're at our best when we're together not when we're apart, cuz when we're apart nothing seems to be right and nothing seems to be working out the way we want it to. I just got to wipe baby's eyes and tell her not to cry..i so wished i could do more but i couldn't..that really broke my heart into more pieces. For i have and always had done things for baby to make her feel better...but this time i was just so helpless.sad and lost of words,,i just didn't know what else to do anymore. When baby walked into her room, the tears in my eyes were just at my eyelids..i just controlled my tears..polo was just staring at me...i think even he knows how i feel cuz dogs have a special sense that they can sense people when they are in pain, sorrow and also hurting inside. Probably thats one of the reasons why he keeps on playing with baby,baby's dad and of course me.. as i'm typing here now, he's here comforting me.. how sweet of him..
     When it was time for dinner, baby's dad said that we should go in 2 cars..baby's mum didn't exactly have the best look on her face...she was just pissed and angry at me..its ok i understand..baby and i were in the same car, we were talking about what had happened and baby started crying again, which i could not take it that made me cry too..i was just so sad and disappointed of the situation and how i'm being treated like an outcast. We both cried in the car today...it doesn't happen often, but when it does, it is something that is really hurting us. I really wanted to tell baby that things doesn't have to be this way...she and i both know that... if only she took me back, everything would be normal but i would be new and improved thats for sure. As usual i didn't tell her that and all i said was my usual word nothing. Cuz i knew if i told her that, she'll probably just say something that would hurt me even more, so its best to just pretend that everything is fine. My boys all like baby very much, but when she broke my heart and started flirting around with a guy in Penang, they all just lost it... they were so angry and pissed at her till today..i don't blame them for they always wanted me to be happy as they knew i've been through hell and when baby came into my life everything changed and my boys got to see the best side of me everytime. But now, the best of me is gone and what they see in my is just what's left of me.
     I never expected baby to be like this, we all didn't..we always thought she was the kind hearted person that would love the person she loved most with all her heart, i guess all of us were wrong. We all are so disappointed and sad. My boys now call her names that sometimes we will argue and fight among ourselves. What can we do anyway.. right?
     Well before i end this post, i would just want to say a few things, first of all...baby i hoped u like the surprise i did for you..i sacrificed alot..though it might not have been the best surprise ever, but at least i proved you wrong and showed you that i've changed. I always said and gave excuses that i won't come and visit you and stuff like that, but i did..i proved you wrong..for sometimes when the heart wants something, it'll go through whatever obstacles that comes in its way, regardless of how difficult and how painful it is.. really hoped i made you're day as i also brought some chinese herbs for you to take as you were sick. And yes, i'll mention it again that i kept to my promise when i said i'll take care of you even when you are sick, even when you are paralyzed and bed ridden and surviving on the life support, i'll still be taking care for you, for i have and never will break that promise. I came all this way for something..not for nothing.
    Uncle, you probably hate me and dislike me now..its ok i understand.. don't just hate me for a small thing, what happened to forgive and forget?... thanx for everything uncle..regardless of what you said and did about and to me, i forgive you for that.
   Aunty,  we all can see that u already dislike and hate me... its so obvious..anyway, i'm sure you have been in love before..didn't you loved that feeling? didn't you do crazy things when you were in love?... well think about it for a sec, for a person to come all the way from seremban for your daughter isn't that something? tell me...has anyone done that for her? has anyone actually gone the extra mile for her? i travelled alone by myself..the least you could do is at least understand the situation and understand how much i love your beloved daughter..is it so difficult to put a smiling face as well as understand me? it is not difficult unless you want it to be.. i'm only human..i do have feelings,i do know what is sad and what is pain as well as hurt and i can also sense what is wrong and right.. thanx again for everything aunty.. your daughter doesn't want to give me a chance for me to prove myself to her, yourself and uncle..so u'll probably won't see me anymore in your life. Sorry.


Baby.. Clinging on to you is the only reason that i get to wake up everyday with strength and hope

"A determined man finds the way; the other finds an excuse or alibi"

My Immortal...

Its been a long time since i last logged into blogspot...today..i just felt a lil lonely. These days are different already..its not like before..baby is no longer with me and that kills me inside but i just hide all the tears away from everyone and pretend that everything is fine by laughing and doing stupid stuff but in actual fact i'm breaking and all broken inside. Just thought i would want to write here to release my thoughts and stress as i cant talk to anyone, not even my good friends. Sometimes friends will be there for you when you need them, but when the time comes, they will be there for you, but most of them wont be supporting you. So i think by blogging here, i can say what i want and no one would read it or know about it. Anyways, these past few months have been hell for me. Baby decided to leave me which really broke my heart so badly that i think i would never forgive myself till the day i take my last breath. It was a shitty birthday for me, so much for being 20. Birthdays are meant to be happy but unfortunately mine was the other way around as always shit happens to me only to me. Baby decided to leave me that day..it was not the best day of my life ( obviously)..I'm no longer the person whom i used to be anymore. My boys told me and asked me what happened to me, what happened to the Soon King i used to know? Where is he?.. i just smiled at them and said he is long gone and wont be coming back anymore, this is me now. The boys miss me, they all do and at the same time they cant do anything but to just look at me and sometimes give me a hug cuz they know that i've never loved someone so much that i would do just about anything for them. Most of them are so sad as they cant do anything to help a brother out, yet they try to be there for me whenever they can. I have never told anyone this before but i'm just gonna say it, i have never ever loved someone more then my parents before but when i started loving this beautiful girl, i realized i did till now. I never told baby this, i wanted to, but i didn't get a chance to. Sometimes when people are angry, they say and do things that they'll regret, but the thing is if that person is willing to forgive everything that the person had done to him/her... tell me, where can you find people like that anymore. I got something for myself whereby whenever i look at it, it'll remind me of baby..something which i didn't get the chance to tell baby. It is always you dont really know how much you love that someone till they're gone. Sometimes when you have that particular person,you just know that she's the one, you just have that feeling you just know it and no one can change that. Baby loves clubbing and i know that for a fact, these days when i go clubbing with her i cant/dont get close to her cuz she might say i'm being all too touchy and all, so what i can do is just stand far and observe.. though sometimes i dont like  what i see, i just keep it to myself, and if asked why you so quiet, i'll just say nothing. The word NOTHING is my best friend nowadays. I'm a man of few words these days and whenever i'm angry or not happy i'll just keep quiet and when asked i'll just say nothing when actually there are alot of stuff running through my mind,lots of thoughts and sometimes even anger. I'm no longer introduced as a boyfriend or a special someone anymore.. now i'm just introduced as a friend. I used to be extraordinary to her, but now i'm just ordinary. It came to a point whereby even wanting to go out for a movie with her is so difficult, its a movie not skydiving. Then again, i just say its ok and keep quiet. She promised me many things but she didn't keep them but i kept mine when i said i will always...love you.
   Baby and myself did many things together, we were just like a married couple, we did almost everything together and can you not call that love. What we had was something so powerful and meaningful that will remain with me. The first time i saw her and when i met her for the first time, i fell in love. It was cuz of her sweet adorable smile that blew my heart away. WOW..haha... that was something..i can still remember how it felt just like it was yesterday. Many of the guys these days don't give a shit..all they want is to have fun and sex. Unfortunately, i dont fall into that category, i'm different. At one point in my life i was that kind of idiot, but then it all stopped when i met her. Sometimes i wonder to myself how much a person can change for the someone he/she really loves.
    I lost alot of weight recently..well yea that is cuz i was saving up my allowance and money to buy an air ticket for baby so that she could come and visit me when i go over to Aussie. I booked the ticket and paid a downpayment but unfortunately i did not get a chance to surprise baby. It was actually supposed to be a surprise for baby, cuz i know how much baby would want to go overseas for a holiday. Baby's family have financial problems, so i thought i could at least once in her life make her happy. Cuz whenever she's happy i'm happy but when she cries,my whole world falls down on me. I did not eat and just saved as much as i could till i reached a point where i had to go to a doctor as i had a terrible tummy ache. Doctor said that i actually have ulcer in my tummy due to lack as well as wrong timing of food. After when baby called it quits i just did not eat at all. That is why most of the time till now my tummy is always filled with wind. I had to take medication for awhile till now but then i just stopped taking it. Pointless. People think i'm happy and stuff but actually i'm not..i'm sick on the inside but then again who cares, its best if i juz kept everything to myself. When we eat sometimes i used to get offered food that baby orders, but then now i  dont, instead she just offers them to other friends and leave me staring and hanging. Therefore i just keep quiet, thats the best i can do now. I've put up with so much hurt and pain, what more does baby want to do to me. Am i not beaten up enough? am i not sick or crazy enough?...haiz...i don't know...
    I never get those compliments from baby like how i used to get it. Even a simple 'you look really good today' would actually make me feel better regardless of how much pain i'm going through. I see baby being overly friendly with other guys,hugging them and all.. what i do is turn away and feel sorry for myself knowing that she's not mine. I'm only human..i know what is pain and hurt all to very well, and i dont need anyone to rub it into my face even more. I do have feelings u know. Hearing all the bad things being said about me everywhere..haiz.. torturing a person inside out, left-right center is so not nice..i know how that feels. hmm..
    I've not said i love you to baby in such a long time, that just kills me inside slowly..haiz..i miss the times where we used to do random stuff just out of no where, i miss the times early in the morning when i get up next to baby, i miss those times where we used to talk till 5am in the morning and just end up laughing to sleep...haha..it was awesome..i miss those romantic nights out where it would be just baby and myself and whole world to ourself, i miss the smell of her room every time i go in, i miss the touch of her smooth skin, i miss her scent, i miss her sweet adorable smile when she smiles (Awwwww), i miss the touch of her hands on mine, i miss those passionate nights which were full of love, i miss those crazy times where we would talk lotsa shit together..hahaha..i miss those times when we used to play with each other and end up injuring each other, i miss those walks in the mall where i would be dragged into the lingerie stores (was so much fun), i miss those times hugging baby when she cried, i miss those times where i used to pat baby to sleep and then kiss her goodnight, i miss those times when baby used to march into my room and scold me for the things i did wrong (the cute look on her anger face), i miss the times we held hands, i miss the times when i used to meet my old buddies and i would stand proud and introduce her to them as my girlfriend, i miss her commenting on the things we do, i miss her commenting on people we see outside, i miss the gossipping we both used to do while sitting somewhere and eating ( the way we kutuk the people inside out), i miss the times when she used to manja with me while she's lying on her bed, i miss kissing her forehead, i miss kissing her on the escalators, i miss calling her the cute names i always called her, i miss those cute eyes when we used to stare at each other (damn i love those eyes!), i miss those times when we had no cash and we had to ransack both our room to look for coins and money ( hahaha..even wanted to sell ourselves for cash), i miss those times where we used to watch movies together in the room, i miss those times when baby used to surprise me and i used to surprise her,i miss the times when baby used to teach me how to eat tomyam as well as peel prawns,i miss the MEGAN FOXX times that we had (hands cover balls), i miss those times where we used to play and tickle each other, i miss those times when i used to do funny noises and baby would record it ( the freaking horse sound!), i miss the times when we used to cry in each others arms, i miss the times when we used to clean up the house together, i miss those times when we promised to get up early but end up getting up late (LOL), i miss the times when we used to play pool with each other and the fun we had (OUCH! MY BALLS!), i miss it when i used to take a shot and then fall in her arms,i miss everything about her, and most importantly i miss those times when i used to hug her while she was on her laptop/ sleeping and i would say i love you baby, above all i miss the time when she hugged me when i was sleeping and she told me, "Baby please dont leave me" and i said to her "Baby i will never leave you"...i kept to my word i never left her..i never did cuz i loved her too much.
   But now...if baby would to read what i just wrote here..she would be probably laughing her ass off and calling me a fool. She would probably be spamming the social network and telling all her friends what i did. Well i'm used to it, even my so called friends dont talk and treat me the way they used to anymore.. i dont know what baby told them but then again i just keep quiet. Baby has a few friends who are not good but she just doesn't realize. Right now as it is, i'm the laughing stalk for everyone and i'm also the hottest topic among everyone. Well maybe that was what baby wanted..maybe that is her payback towards me by making my friends look at me differently and becoming the hot gossip. Everyone now know what a bad person i am. Regardless of all that i have always loved baby, will  always love baby and never will stop loving baby. Wished i could have baby back, she will never regret taking me back, that a promise.

Its getting late and my eyes are all blurry due to all the tears flowing down..i shall continue my story another time..but till then, god bless me and goodnight. Finally let a few things off my mind and heart. At least i know no one would read my thoughts. Nite. I would like to leave a poem here which i just came up with... a wise man once told me,

Do not listen to what people say, listen to what the heart wants.

When you have loved unconditionally
one woman and lost that love,
it leaves a wound that never heals,
a sad and broken heart, a void forever.

Thoughts...

its been such a long time since i last updated my blog..so yea...this time around i'm not exactly happy juz disappointed... ever wondered why even when you do good or bad, the outcome is still the same?...ever wondered why people juz cant accept you for who you are instead juz end up commenting about how bad a person you are? or maybe how you are so called not behaving?.... its pretty deep but yea..everything has it limits... as i said sometimes when doing good or right things, its juz not worth it...cuz the amount of screwing you can get for doing so, is far worst then what you can expect. No one is perfect, so its either one accepts it and live with it or go on finding the so called perfect one which no one is. Even the smallest things can be a huge problem for no reason, and at the end of the day no one is happy. What does arguments get you? happiness? realeasing frustration? what do you gain??

Why cant people juz talk nicely like adults instead of raising tones and always wanting their way. Why cant they juz be neutral and take it easy. Is it that fun to argue with a person or to tell a person off? One should actually look at themselves before making judgements. If one does not do something but expects the other to do so, then what is the point? if one does not do it, why should i? does not make any sense at all. But anyhow no matter what one will always be the bad person regardless of how much one has done. All the screwing everyday, all the blaming and all the pressure of someone wanting you to be so god damn perfect, that's not easy to take it in for a day. Imagine being so stressed out over how you dont want argument to rise up everyday, imagine the mental torture, the pain... no one would even bother, put yourself in their shoes what if we were the ones who actually did it to them every single day, how would you feel, its always about picking on others, but when its time for one to get picked on, i'm sure it wont be very nice and i guarantee that one would not like it. Dont do things to others if you dont want them to do the same to you. Dont think about perfecting others when one cant perfect one's self.

Got to go now...not in the mood... this is talking in general, for those who get offended meaning you guys are the guilty ones. I've got a lot more to say, but i'll end here for now.

CHAO!!

Just something bothering my mind..

Haven't updated my blog in awhile..been so busy with college and work and stuff.. Finally my radio assignment was complete,after all that hassle..haha.. spent alot of money and time these past few weeks..but it was ok..i didn't really mind..i was counting that day,and i was surprised that baby and i have actually been together for like 6months now.. and that was really nice to know..we've been through alot but i know there is more to come...these past few weeks i was busy helping baby with her assignments and all.. pity her sometimes..especially when she gets really bad group mates..cuz baby is hot tempered so she gets angry really fast and when she does, i'll be the victim.. haha..That day my dad asked me bout baby, its was just so random..he asked whether baby and i can get along with each other and stuff...then he was telling me not to hurt her and treat her properly.. i was like oookayyy...hahaha.. that was quite a conversation... About 2 weeks ago,baby's laptop's screen died on her...so,not knowing the cause of it i had to delete about 50% of my stuff to make space for baby's stuff...i almost died..haha...but it was for a good cause so it was fine...
 Went back to Seremban that day just like what i always do every weekend..was so busy playing futsal and yumcha-ing with my buddies till i neglected baby...she was really pissed at me..i don't blame her for that..it was my fault.. a gentlemen will always take responsibility regardless to whether he was in the wrong or not.. ahem!.. lol...  baby has been really good to me..i've got no complains only maybe her anger..hahaha.. she actually organised a surprise party for me as an early birthday party..it was really sweet of her to do so... it is not about how many things or what you do for the person that actually counts, its the lil things take makes the whole relationship worthwhile.. we do practically everything together.. sometimes i'm clingy and all cuz that's what baby always says maybe cuz i enjoy her company so much till i just tend to cling on to her. I've never done that before..honestly... weird i know..
    Was thinking, as baby is gonna finish soon...i was wondering what would happen..i won't know where baby will be going and that makes me really worried...we mite not even see each other often anymore..sad i know.. the both of us can't really live without each other cuz we always miss each other though we're in a close distance...well, love works in mysterious ways...this is a good example..lol..
   Lots more things to write..but this is it from me now..got things to do.. till next time... Chao! Cheers!

Second Update of My Blog

Went for dinner just now with baby,mable and eddy.. was fun..talked bout mable's DREAM bf... who is of course JUSTIN front man of the band J4N..haha.. After dinner we got home,baby and i were sitting on the couch and talking at the same time onlining while mable was doing her work..  Baby then showed me her blog which she actually updated yesterday, saw what she wrote about me, could not believe she wrote all those things and said all those things about me..felt really touch,but i held back my tears..*yes i am an emotional person enough said*... moving on,i felt really touched because no one has actually done that to me before..as in noticed the things i did for them or something for that matter.

Though baby and i argue and stuff,i'm actually really surprised that she still loves me that much..and for all the things i have done and all.. both of us actually stay in the same house and therefore she knows all my bad habits and stuff,which i think its a really good thing because if u talk about loving a person, u should know the person in and out, u should know all their bad habits and basically know almost everything about them before u can actually say that u love them. 

After living with that person for awhile,u will know what kind of person that person is and if u can accept that person for who they are,that shows that u really love them.Love is never about finding a perfect person,in fact there is no such thing as a perfect person,love is about looking at an imperfect person perfectly.

I'm typing all these as if i'm such a pro,but i'm just giving a point of view thats all..

Baby created an account for me in blogspot,that is why i'm blogging now..haha..love u baby.. i'm gonna go now..gonna go for a fag then off to shower then off to bed..