My Immortal...

Its been a long time since i last logged into blogspot...today..i just felt a lil lonely. These days are different already..its not like before..baby is no longer with me and that kills me inside but i just hide all the tears away from everyone and pretend that everything is fine by laughing and doing stupid stuff but in actual fact i'm breaking and all broken inside. Just thought i would want to write here to release my thoughts and stress as i cant talk to anyone, not even my good friends. Sometimes friends will be there for you when you need them, but when the time comes, they will be there for you, but most of them wont be supporting you. So i think by blogging here, i can say what i want and no one would read it or know about it. Anyways, these past few months have been hell for me. Baby decided to leave me which really broke my heart so badly that i think i would never forgive myself till the day i take my last breath. It was a shitty birthday for me, so much for being 20. Birthdays are meant to be happy but unfortunately mine was the other way around as always shit happens to me only to me. Baby decided to leave me that day..it was not the best day of my life ( obviously)..I'm no longer the person whom i used to be anymore. My boys told me and asked me what happened to me, what happened to the Soon King i used to know? Where is he?.. i just smiled at them and said he is long gone and wont be coming back anymore, this is me now. The boys miss me, they all do and at the same time they cant do anything but to just look at me and sometimes give me a hug cuz they know that i've never loved someone so much that i would do just about anything for them. Most of them are so sad as they cant do anything to help a brother out, yet they try to be there for me whenever they can. I have never told anyone this before but i'm just gonna say it, i have never ever loved someone more then my parents before but when i started loving this beautiful girl, i realized i did till now. I never told baby this, i wanted to, but i didn't get a chance to. Sometimes when people are angry, they say and do things that they'll regret, but the thing is if that person is willing to forgive everything that the person had done to him/her... tell me, where can you find people like that anymore. I got something for myself whereby whenever i look at it, it'll remind me of baby..something which i didn't get the chance to tell baby. It is always you dont really know how much you love that someone till they're gone. Sometimes when you have that particular person,you just know that she's the one, you just have that feeling you just know it and no one can change that. Baby loves clubbing and i know that for a fact, these days when i go clubbing with her i cant/dont get close to her cuz she might say i'm being all too touchy and all, so what i can do is just stand far and observe.. though sometimes i dont like  what i see, i just keep it to myself, and if asked why you so quiet, i'll just say nothing. The word NOTHING is my best friend nowadays. I'm a man of few words these days and whenever i'm angry or not happy i'll just keep quiet and when asked i'll just say nothing when actually there are alot of stuff running through my mind,lots of thoughts and sometimes even anger. I'm no longer introduced as a boyfriend or a special someone anymore.. now i'm just introduced as a friend. I used to be extraordinary to her, but now i'm just ordinary. It came to a point whereby even wanting to go out for a movie with her is so difficult, its a movie not skydiving. Then again, i just say its ok and keep quiet. She promised me many things but she didn't keep them but i kept mine when i said i will always...love you.
   Baby and myself did many things together, we were just like a married couple, we did almost everything together and can you not call that love. What we had was something so powerful and meaningful that will remain with me. The first time i saw her and when i met her for the first time, i fell in love. It was cuz of her sweet adorable smile that blew my heart away. WOW..haha... that was something..i can still remember how it felt just like it was yesterday. Many of the guys these days don't give a shit..all they want is to have fun and sex. Unfortunately, i dont fall into that category, i'm different. At one point in my life i was that kind of idiot, but then it all stopped when i met her. Sometimes i wonder to myself how much a person can change for the someone he/she really loves.
    I lost alot of weight recently..well yea that is cuz i was saving up my allowance and money to buy an air ticket for baby so that she could come and visit me when i go over to Aussie. I booked the ticket and paid a downpayment but unfortunately i did not get a chance to surprise baby. It was actually supposed to be a surprise for baby, cuz i know how much baby would want to go overseas for a holiday. Baby's family have financial problems, so i thought i could at least once in her life make her happy. Cuz whenever she's happy i'm happy but when she cries,my whole world falls down on me. I did not eat and just saved as much as i could till i reached a point where i had to go to a doctor as i had a terrible tummy ache. Doctor said that i actually have ulcer in my tummy due to lack as well as wrong timing of food. After when baby called it quits i just did not eat at all. That is why most of the time till now my tummy is always filled with wind. I had to take medication for awhile till now but then i just stopped taking it. Pointless. People think i'm happy and stuff but actually i'm not..i'm sick on the inside but then again who cares, its best if i juz kept everything to myself. When we eat sometimes i used to get offered food that baby orders, but then now i  dont, instead she just offers them to other friends and leave me staring and hanging. Therefore i just keep quiet, thats the best i can do now. I've put up with so much hurt and pain, what more does baby want to do to me. Am i not beaten up enough? am i not sick or crazy enough?...haiz...i don't know...
    I never get those compliments from baby like how i used to get it. Even a simple 'you look really good today' would actually make me feel better regardless of how much pain i'm going through. I see baby being overly friendly with other guys,hugging them and all.. what i do is turn away and feel sorry for myself knowing that she's not mine. I'm only human..i know what is pain and hurt all to very well, and i dont need anyone to rub it into my face even more. I do have feelings u know. Hearing all the bad things being said about me everywhere..haiz.. torturing a person inside out, left-right center is so not nice..i know how that feels. hmm..
    I've not said i love you to baby in such a long time, that just kills me inside slowly..haiz..i miss the times where we used to do random stuff just out of no where, i miss the times early in the morning when i get up next to baby, i miss those times where we used to talk till 5am in the morning and just end up laughing to sleep...haha..it was awesome..i miss those romantic nights out where it would be just baby and myself and whole world to ourself, i miss the smell of her room every time i go in, i miss the touch of her smooth skin, i miss her scent, i miss her sweet adorable smile when she smiles (Awwwww), i miss the touch of her hands on mine, i miss those passionate nights which were full of love, i miss those crazy times where we would talk lotsa shit together..hahaha..i miss those times when we used to play with each other and end up injuring each other, i miss those walks in the mall where i would be dragged into the lingerie stores (was so much fun), i miss those times hugging baby when she cried, i miss those times where i used to pat baby to sleep and then kiss her goodnight, i miss those times when baby used to march into my room and scold me for the things i did wrong (the cute look on her anger face), i miss the times we held hands, i miss the times when i used to meet my old buddies and i would stand proud and introduce her to them as my girlfriend, i miss her commenting on the things we do, i miss her commenting on people we see outside, i miss the gossipping we both used to do while sitting somewhere and eating ( the way we kutuk the people inside out), i miss the times when she used to manja with me while she's lying on her bed, i miss kissing her forehead, i miss kissing her on the escalators, i miss calling her the cute names i always called her, i miss those cute eyes when we used to stare at each other (damn i love those eyes!), i miss those times when we had no cash and we had to ransack both our room to look for coins and money ( hahaha..even wanted to sell ourselves for cash), i miss those times where we used to watch movies together in the room, i miss those times when baby used to surprise me and i used to surprise her,i miss the times when baby used to teach me how to eat tomyam as well as peel prawns,i miss the MEGAN FOXX times that we had (hands cover balls), i miss those times where we used to play and tickle each other, i miss those times when i used to do funny noises and baby would record it ( the freaking horse sound!), i miss the times when we used to cry in each others arms, i miss the times when we used to clean up the house together, i miss those times when we promised to get up early but end up getting up late (LOL), i miss the times when we used to play pool with each other and the fun we had (OUCH! MY BALLS!), i miss it when i used to take a shot and then fall in her arms,i miss everything about her, and most importantly i miss those times when i used to hug her while she was on her laptop/ sleeping and i would say i love you baby, above all i miss the time when she hugged me when i was sleeping and she told me, "Baby please dont leave me" and i said to her "Baby i will never leave you"...i kept to my word i never left her..i never did cuz i loved her too much.
   But now...if baby would to read what i just wrote here..she would be probably laughing her ass off and calling me a fool. She would probably be spamming the social network and telling all her friends what i did. Well i'm used to it, even my so called friends dont talk and treat me the way they used to anymore.. i dont know what baby told them but then again i just keep quiet. Baby has a few friends who are not good but she just doesn't realize. Right now as it is, i'm the laughing stalk for everyone and i'm also the hottest topic among everyone. Well maybe that was what baby wanted..maybe that is her payback towards me by making my friends look at me differently and becoming the hot gossip. Everyone now know what a bad person i am. Regardless of all that i have always loved baby, will  always love baby and never will stop loving baby. Wished i could have baby back, she will never regret taking me back, that a promise.

Its getting late and my eyes are all blurry due to all the tears flowing down..i shall continue my story another time..but till then, god bless me and goodnight. Finally let a few things off my mind and heart. At least i know no one would read my thoughts. Nite. I would like to leave a poem here which i just came up with... a wise man once told me,

Do not listen to what people say, listen to what the heart wants.

When you have loved unconditionally
one woman and lost that love,
it leaves a wound that never heals,
a sad and broken heart, a void forever.